Friday, February 12, 2016

Serving 'em

Can I love this any more? Yaaasss!!!






Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Idris Elba is single

Chocolate bae is in on the market.


Idris Elba has reportedly split from his long-time girlfriend and mother of his child, makeup artist Naiyana Garth.

Chiiiiiilllle ... y'all single ladies just got your ENTIRE lives. Elba, 43, has a 22-month old son, but has moved out of the family home, according to The Sun.

No word if it's just a rumor, but ladies across the globe right now are thanking sweet Black Baby Jesus, know there is a God, and are delivered, honey ....

Chiiillle... they don't know what to do, because hunty, Idris thirst is REAL!! I'mm need yawl single ladies to get your squads up. .You might have to fight supermodel Naomi Campbell, tho, because reportedly the two are dating. You know she crazy, so get ready.

A source told the publication: "It ended very recently and it's too soon for her to talk about it.
"They've kept it very quiet so she's surprised people know already."

Monday, February 8, 2016

Would you fund a GoFundMe for Beyonce tickets?

Less than 24 hours after Bey announced her 50-city Formation tour, the foolishness has already begun.

U.S. Navy veteran Rover Bentley (you know good and the hell well his momma ain't named him that) is asking folks to donate a lil sumthing to his GoFund Me page to raise money to help him go to the Beyoncé concert ...

How Sway?

Lawd, I can't.



I mean: The Beyhive goes so damn hard in the paint (this is the last Beyoncé post, I swear, unless she does something else epic). But I need for some of y'all to chill the hell down and get your coins all the way together for this Formation Tour.

First, Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Peaches or whatever she said her name was, used GoFundMe to ask for help to pay her bills after she blew her budget on Powerball tickets (Girl, Bye!). Now, this negro is asking for folks to pass the collection plate on GoFundMe (Boy, BYE!).

Jesus, be a fence.

Listen ... if y'all don't get your rusty behinds together and work overtime, sell blood plasma or take those doggone surveys at the mall, do whatever you gotta do to get your Yonce tickets.  Just don't get on GoFundMe asking random folks to fund your foolishness.

This is not what Rev. Jesse Jackson meant by 'Keep Hope Alive.' This is not what GoFundme meant, either. Go fund the Flint water crisis or some water and lead kits - they need your help. Pay for some treatments for kids battling cancer. Hell, go fund a college student who can't afford to stay in school next semester.

Just not this.

Listen .. we know anything that Bey and Jay do is gonna be a grip ... The first date isn't until March -- a few weeks to get your ish all the way together. It's income tax season and everything ... you betta save up, do what you gotta do if you want to see Bey.  It's that simple.

Bentley, Jaguar, Maserati or whoever is trying to fund Bey's May 1 tour in ATL. Bruh! You got the whole spring to get your coins up. But he's still talking bout:


Listen .... who? You signed up to dedicate your life to this country, not to no damn Beyoncé. And who calls Beyoncé by a hashtag anyway? No, sir. That is now how any of this works. I don't care if you did 50-11 tours. That's what you signed up for - not so that I can give my hard earned to a vet who wants to go to see Beyoncé. This is false equivalency at its finest.

I just need to know where they do any of this? Chillee ... I need you to have a stadium full of seats and go SAT down. My blood pressure is going up just thinking of this and now I need my meds. I am ready to drop kick anyone who even thinks about donating a thin dime. And so is everyone else. The comment section on his GoFundMe is on LIT, as the kids say.









Sunday, February 7, 2016

Beyonce killed Formation at the Super Bowl

Forget Bern, Hillary, Cruz, Trump 'nem. After Beyoncé's epic half-time Super Bowl performance, I nominate Beyoncé for president!

And why the hell NOT? She has massive popularity. We like her. And we just know she'd pass out mini bottles of hot sauce from her bag instead of bumper stickers and lawn signs at her campaign rallies.

We'd stand in Formation, ready to SLAY!!! Chile...I can see it now. This whole election thing is a wrap!! Bey for president!

Bey's epic Super Bowl performance
But did you see her tho? With that MJ-inspired outfit? Yaaasss!! WERK!! It was so nice of Beyoncé to have the SuperBowl at her concert. Because she just did the dayum thang. This just after she dropped that Formation single and video AND announced a 50-city world tour. Beysus! 

And her all-lady dance tour looking like Black Panthers and on the 50th anniversary of their founding no less -- all strong, Black and proud, fists raised and all with natural hair. So proud. And I got my entire life. And got my edges snatched back. Who cared if she almost fell on stage (and levitated on that biotch).

What it was: An unapologetic, I don't give a damn, appreciation for Black beauty in all its forms. It was #Blackgirlmagic.  And I'm here for all of it.

Ma'ams and Sirs:  I just need to know where I can cast my ballot. Umm ... can we make Bruno her VP tho?

I can't take all the credit. H/T Liz Nesoff for this gem.


Beyonce does the Blackest thing EVER on a Saturday



Beyoncé dropped a new single and a video on Saturday and it's the Blackest thing. EVER. Like, seriously.

Bey be so damn random at times. Even though this wasn't random. But still. You know we love her for it. But when I tell you everything about "Formation" is so dayum Black ... like fo' flats on a Cadillac Black .. Blue magic hair grease mixed with Ultra Sheen and Pink Oil moisturizer Black .... like snatch yo' edges Black, black ... like hotwater cornbread and collard greens black ...

Bey already told you she got hot sauce in her bag .. Yaaasss!!!

I was sick as a dog on Saturday, but I knew I had to write about this ...

Where do I start ...Why is this video so Black? I don't know. It just IS. Well, we all knew Bey was hood, but folks always checking for credentials. Well, Bey said, "Who gone check me, boo?" You gone learn TA-DAY. I got these here millions AND street cred. Yaaassss!

Bey say she Black; makes no apologies for it, either.

First, the video is so New Orleans, where it's filmed. And the beat, tho ... it's bangin. It's Bey's first new song in over a year. And she put the stank on it, baby, with Big Freedia (in my New Orleans voice). It's just so grimy... and I LURVES her for it.

It's epic clapback ... She's letting the haters know she slays..

Even though we tend to think Bey is as deep as a puddle, this vid clearly shows she is not. She even addresses police brutality and Black Lives Matter with a sign in the video that says, "Stop Shooting Us," she's on top of a police cruiser sinking in water, and a little boy dances in front of police in riot gear.

Red Lobster, What?
A line in the song about Red Lobster made everybody go out and get cheddar biscuits and coconut shrimp on Saturday. Just because. It's just brilliant, brilliant. Now Red Lobster used to be LIT in high school, but half of the Beyhive know NOTHING about the magic that is Red Lobster.

"When he f*k me good I take his ass to Red Lobster, cause I slay"




But I betchu they know today. The Interwebs went crazy. Folks on Twitter losing their minds.

Them lyrics, tho
And chiiillle.. the lyrics are racy. Bey answers all the critics, on everything from those Illuminati claims and talking about her child's hair, to her man's nose. And I LOVED the dancers who all had natural hair...

Check the lyrics tho:

[Intro: Messy Mya]
What happened after New Orleans?
Bitch, I'm back by popular demand


[Refrain: Beyonce]
Y'all haters corny with that illuminati mess
Paparazzi, catch my fly, and my cocky fresh
I'm so reckless when I rock my Givenchy dress (stylin')
I'm so possessive so I rock his Roc necklaces
My daddy Alabama, Momma Louisiana
You mix that negro with that Creole make a Texas bamma

I like my baby hair, with baby hair and afros
I like my negro nose with Jackson Five nostrils

Earned all this money but they never take the country out me
I got a hot sauce in my bag, swag


[Interlude: Messy Mya + Big Freedia]
Oh yeah baby, oh yeah I, ohhhhh, oh yes I like that

I did not come to play with you hoes, haha
I came to slay, bitch
I like cornbreads and collard greens, bitch
Oh yes, you best to believe it


[Refrain: Beyonce]
Y'all haters corny with that illuminati mess
Paparazzi, catch my fly, and my cocky fresh
I'm so reckless when I rock my Givenchy dress (stylin')
I'm so possessive so I rock his Roc necklaces
My daddy Alabama, Momma Louisiana
You mix that negro with that Creole make a Texas bamma

I like my baby hair, with baby hair and afros
I like my negro nose with Jackson Five nostrils

Earned all this money but they never take the country out me
I got a hot sauce in my bag, swag


[Chorus: Beyonce]
I see it, I want it
I stunt, yeah, yellow bone it

I dream it, I work hard
I grind 'til I own it

I twirl on them haters
Albino alligators
El Camino with the seat low
Sippin' Cuervo with no chaser

Sometimes I go off, I go off
I go hard, I go hard
Get what's mine, take what's mine
I'm a star, I'm a star
Cause I slay, slay
I slay, hey, I slay, okay
I slay, okay, all day, okay
I slay, okay, I slay okay
We gon' slay, slay
Gon' slay, okay
We slay, okay
I slay, okay
I slay, okay
Okay, okay, I slay, okay
Okay, okay, okay, okay

Okay, okay, ladies, now let's get in formation, cause I slay
Okay ladies, now let's get in formation, cause I slay
Prove to me you got some coordination, cause I slay
Slay trick, or you get eliminated


[Verse 1: Beyonce]
When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster, cause I slay
When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster, cause I slay

If he hit it right, I might take him on a flight on my chopper, cause I slay
Drop him off at the mall, let him buy some J's, let him shop up, cause I slay

I might get your song played on the radio station, cause I slay
I might get your song played on the radio station, cause I slay

You just might be a black Bill Gates in the making, cause I slay
I just might be a black Bill Gates in the making


[Chorus: Beyonce]
I see it, I want it
I stunt, yeah, yellow bone it

I dream it, I work hard
I grind 'til I own it

I twirl on my haters
Albino alligators
El Camino with the seat low
Sippin' Cuervo with no chaser

Sometimes I go off, I go off
I go hard, I go hard
Take what's mine, take what's mine
I'm a star, I'm a star
Cause I slay, slay
I slay, hey, I slay, okay
I slay, okay, all day, okay
I slay, okay, I slay okay
We gon' slay, slay
Gon' slay, okay
We slay, okay
I slay, okay
I slay, okay
Okay, okay, I slay, okay
Okay, okay, okay, okay

Okay, okay, ladies, now let's get in formation, I slay
Okay ladies, now let's get in formation, I slay
Prove to me you got some coordination, I slay
Slay trick, or you get eliminated, I slay


[Bridge: Beyonce]
Okay ladies, now let's get in formation, I slay
Okay ladies, now let's get in formation

You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation
Always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper


[Outro]
Girl I hear some thunder
Golly this is that water boy, oh lord





Friday, February 5, 2016

5 things your tax preparer will never tell you, but I will

It's tax season, which means it's time for epic tax time behaviors, foolishness and all kinds of tshenanigans. You didn't know? Don't say you've never been warned. It's not like we don't go through this every year, right? But we somehow seem to forget.

Let the records show, I am warning you and I'mma put you up on tax game. Avoiding the activities below just might save you from a world of hurt. And as much as you might want to do the Carleton when you think about how big your return will be, hold up...


1. If the IRS calls you, hang the hell up. It's a common scam that pops up every year. You get a call from the IRS and they tell you to pay up or you are going to jail. Here's the big problem, tho: The IRS won't ever call you; they mail certified letters to make SURE you got them. You won't ever get a number on your cell phone caller ID that says "IRS." If you get a call from anyone purporting they are from the IRS and asking you to go to Walmart and then send them a Green Dot card with $905 on it, I need you to hang up so hard. I know that's hard to do on a mobile phone, but just pretend with me and swipe hard. It's a scam. You will still owe the IRS and be out of $905 dollars, too. Call the cops.

2. Don't pimp your kids out. Listen ... during tax time, everybody and their momma got eligible IRS tax dependents -- even if they never carried a child in their lives. Don't be them. It's a common scheme that, if you have a certain level of income that's might be lower on the socio-economic scale, for example, or if you have no kids, adding dependents at $3,000 a pop, means a fat ass return ... I'm talking .. balling, $10,000 returns, OK .. Who cares if you never had kids?

People willingly lend you their kids' names and socials .. for a fee, of course. It usually involves thievery: They reason that if they can't use their kids this year, someone else can "borrow them." Just stop. You won't win the Momma of the Year Award with this shit. And if your kids find out you did this, they just might call the IRS on you their damn selves at some point.

Avoid bullshit. Hide yo' socials and yo' kids' socials: I don't care what Tee Tee told you: It is illegal for her to use YOUR kids on HER tax return. And it's not like you can go on Judge Greg Mathis and tell him that you lent your kids' social for $500 a pop and you did not get your loot on the day you were supposed to. That's not how any of this is supposed to work.

3. The IRS is having problems. Refer to my earlier paragraphs about credit card bills. If you are living check to check -- hey, I get it, boo, and I do NOT judge -- the promise of that IRS return right after your high ass credit card bills from December, is enough to make you salivate and pray to Jesus, Buddah and Deli Lama all at the same time for extra favor. I get it, and chiiiillle, I've been there. But every year, there are ALWAYS problems with the IRS. Count on it. They tried it. Either you can't reach them or they are just MIA all together. You are fuqing with my money, man!

This year, the system that IRS uses to process refunds is down as of Thursday, Feb. 3, which means that your refund WILL be delayed. So, no, you are not getting your refund when you thought you would. This is enough to make me bawl like a baby, especially if you are counting on that money to pay off your credit card bills or make major purchases (remember, it's YOUR money and the IRS has taken an interest-free loan, but whatevs). I know we stalk IRS.gov's "Where's my refund?" feature. But just know that every year, there will be some sort of IRS issue and plan accordingly.

I do not care how many times you prayed on your knees to sweet baby black Jesus, your high ass credit card bills from the holidays will arrive in your mailbox like clockwork every January and count no one as surprised (You know your son did not need that hover board that you put on your card, no way).

And, as much as that alone is enough for me to down a few handfuls of Xanax right after Cri'mas and celebrating Baby Jesus' birth and all that, there is salvation --- we know that W2s are our salvation and yaaass, there is a Gawd.

Don't be this person logging on to IRS.gov:




4. Don't give your social and government name to Pookie and Ray Ray. Chile, please. Taxes are the newest hustle. And I swear, if I hear one mo' person on IG or Facebook talking bout they "do taxes, hit me up" I'mma scream.

Don't. Everybody and their momma says they "do taxes." But you better not give them your info. Listen, I don't care what folks tell you: Being a tax preparer is not rocket science. All they have to do is enter your numbers into a computer that calculates your return. It ain't rocket science; it's quite simple, actually. The moment I heard that girls who could barely add 2 +15 and carry the 5 in middle school, but who are now "doing taxes," I was done and said, "Bye, Felecia." But you let them tell it and they got their CPA license from DeVry. Oh, OK.

Play around if you want to. Some of these chicks and dudes talking bout they do taxes don't need ANY of your gubment info. You will end up on the wrong side of an IRS audit. You know how many tax frauds go to jail every year? I promise you, come April, there is always a tax ring that mysteriously gets busted for filing fake tax returns and wire fraud. They're examples. So be careful. And if anybody promises extra money in your bank account for a tax return, I need you to walk away George Jefferson style. They mean you no good, and this ain't a blessing.

If your tax preparer is on Facebook or IG holding up stacks of cash, run like Usain Bolt. (Rashia Wilson, below, is doing 21 years of hard time for stealing an estimated $21 million from the IRS). Don't be her.



5. Forget cuffing season, it's IRS season. There are friends and frenemies that will fux with you only because you're getting a fat tax refund. I mean, relationships are born and based on what your refund is come Jan. 1. Beware. I'm all about the petty so ... This year, tell them that you owe the IRS $5,000 and see how long they stick around. Better yet, ask them for a loan to pay the IRS and see what they say. If you never hear back from them again, you got your answer ..

Judge Greg Mathis is correct: Do not loan nobody no money if they talking 'bout they are going to repay you when they get their refund. You ain't getting none of your money back. Because refunds always get held up and you will be assed out and suing that person on the Judge Mathis show.

There is a certain level of thirst and hilarity that happens during tax time. I mean. Count on it. It's like clockwork. People like to brag on social media about what they got or what they're going to buy with their refunds. But for the love of Jesus ... do not post what you actually bought with your refund - nor spread your tax refund money in $100 bills out on your mattress - and post it on Facebook or make it your profile pic on IG. It ain't cute. It's not safe, either. And it's just plain stupid.

Because now the whole world knows you got an IRS refund. And some of those grimy friends of yours might want your refund, too.